Does Anybody Hear Her?

I am a huge fan of Casting Crowns obviously. I think of all artists/groups who sing about faith in Christ, they are by far the most in touch with reality. How many Sunday's have I sat in my chair in service looking at all the people who have it all together... wishing they would tell me how they do it? Wishing just one of them would look at me and admit... "I don't have it all together. I cry myself to sleep, too. Every night. Just like you." So, why don't we lay it out for the world to see... the reality of what we feel, what we are living through every day? Are we afraid we won't look like Christians? I'm going to be vulnerable and show my true colors in this blog. I am not proud of who I am, of where I've been or what I've done. I want to be healed, whole, restored...Redeemed. I want to be happy and know joy for once in my lifetime that comes directly from my heavenly Father.

EMPTINESS= The dark night of the soul

Have you ever been completely empty- physically, spiritually, emotionally? You wake up... nothing there... no hunger, no joy, no excitement, nothing. I. Am. Empty. Empty people are dangerous people. We will take anything we find to fill up our souls. Even if we know its not what is best for us. Even if we know it's wrong. It's better than the "nothing". I've been living with the "nothing" for 7 years.

I'm not alone. There are people just like me in the Bible. I'd like to say that I most connect with the great matriarch's like Sarah or Rachel or Naomi or Esther... Nope, I'm most like David-- I wish I could say I have always been a woman after God's own heart and that's how I am most like him. But reality is that I have messed up a lot like David and retreated into my own depression a lot like David and then in a last ditch effort I cry out to God... and then the cycle repeats itself... David learned lessons better than I have.

I have always connected with the story of David and Bathsheba, probably because I have a history that includes adultery. One part of the story that was brought out to me yesterday that I can't get out of my mind is that when he found out she was pregnant, David tried to cover up the affair by sending Bathsheba's husband home first and when that didn't work, he had him killed to make the relationship right. I do that! I try to fix my sin-make it right- so I can keep it! What was God's reaction? He sent Nathan to tell David He was furious with him! He didn't "smite" David... no He took the seed of the sin, the baby. David's reaction to God's judgment on him is astonishing to me:

David lay on the ground, refusing to eat, crying out to God to have mercy and change His mind about the baby. On the 7th day (reference to 7?) the baby died and David got up, cleaned himself up, ate and drank and went to PRAISE AND WORSHIP GOD! God didn't answer David's prayer... He handed judgment down swiftly as He saw fit and David accepted the judgement and then praised God? How did he do that? In his emptiness, brokenness, hurt, disappointment...